Sometimes when I am tired I get to the stage where my brain is not totally responsive with me, before my relapse when I came home from university this barely happened but when I came home when recovering I had it for weeks on end until it stopped and it hasn’t came back….until now….
I have still been feeling tired as I am gradually trying to get back into a busy schedule and get used to being active again as I have been house bound for some time after my relapse but the more busy I get the more tired I get, I am finding it quite hard to get my energy levels up and I think not getting enough sleep is the main factor of it.
I will be in the middle of doing something and it feels like someone flicks a switch off in my brain that is clearly marked OFF and everything in my head does feel like its gone off… .
I feel like my brain is totally unresponsive to my body and my thought processes, it feels like I am involuntary staring into space, I stop what I’m doing and I am stuck on pause, but it is not a good feeling of staring into space like when you daydream about your perfect wedding or your next holiday, the space is filled with helplessness, confusion and fear, it feels like my illness is trying to pull me into that familar dark black hole but I can feel the pulling, I just feel like I’m lavatating above it with no control over whats happening to me.
I don’t like it, its a scary experience, I hate not being incontrol of my own head as it is but being unresponsive like this is a really frightening experience. After I wake up from this ‘spacing out’ I am totally clueless as to what I was doing, thinking or where I am for a few seconds, but it doesn’t take me long to realise these things, but nother the less the experience is still scary especially when I do not know what this ‘spacing out’ is or what causes it.
I hope it goes!