2012 has no disappeared forever and now it is a new year, it is finally 2013, a year of new beginnings, improvements and finally the year I have realised that I need to close the door to my past and open the door to my future and step through to a new life an improved life, which is going to be harder than it sounds.
I can’t help but to relate my Mental Illnesses to my past (Complex PTSD, Major Depression, Self Harm and anxiety issues), my past is the reason I have these mental illnesses in the first place and it angers me that it is because of other people that I have them in the first place and that it stops me leading a completely normal life for someone of my age.
My childhood was very traumatic and very stressful for the sole purpose of the manner in which I was treated by my biological father and the situation and environment around me, I was mentally abused at a very young age which inevitably caused me to grow up with very low expectations/confidence in myself, many fears, anxieties and to be a very frightened confused child. This was shown when I finally stopped seeing my biological father through court proceedings with my mother and I started High school. It was only through high school that the real bullying from other people excluding my father and his fiancee started as in primary and infant school I was so traumatized by the negative thoughts and unfamiliar reactions going on inside my head that I isolated myself the majority of the time.
When I went to high school what I was unintentionally doing was physically projecting the fact that I was weak, I was nervous, shy and incapable to gain the courage in myself or confidence to speak to other people and make friends, this was soon recognised and changed me to the status of ‘weak, can’t stick up for herself, bully her and make her life miserable for the next 4 years’. So as you can imagine the bullying throughout my years of high school made me condition 10x worse and even with the hope of going to college and starting a new the same happened.
But during my experiences of bullying I have realised that they bully me for two reasons: One because they are either insecure with themselves and it makes them feel better to bully a weaker person and two because they do not like me and they are jealous of me- this I didn’t believe at first thinking ‘WHO WOULD BE JEALOUS OF ME!’ but after confronting some of my high school bullies I found out this indeed was the case, so to stop bullying in the future I think I have the solution.
Promote myself as strong, confident and proud of the person I am- (which I’m not but I’m learning to be but if i promote it via my body language other people will believe it even me).
Gain the confidence to go and speak to people-normally I do not like to talk to people until I have observed them and tried to guess their character and personality but this often excludes me from varieties of social groups which therefore makes it hard to make friends later, so I think I need to do the same as them and gather up the confidence to talk to them as soon as I see them and then I can truly make the judgement of whether they can be a potential friend or not.
Most importantly: LET GO OF MY PAST AND ANGER ATTACHED TO MY CONDITION AND LET GO- Only once I have done this I can promote myself for the caring person I am instead of someone suffering a mental illness, I am a person and not the illness that I bear.
The end of last year when I suspended my studies for the year I had time to think and re-evaluate my entire year, I have achieved so much despite my condition and I have also learnt what I needed to about my condition to be able to access how it affects me, how to monitor it and to learn what my limitations are in life and this is going to help my health get better as well as my confidence. I can’t wait to put it into practice.
I do not start University until September so I have from now to prepare which is plenty of time, but in the meantime I am applying for financial help from the Government and looking for a job which I hope that all will fall into place soon, but while I am waiting I have to find a way to continue improving my health so I have come to the conclusion to keep myself as busy as possible.
Now is the year for new beginnings, I am trying to take up my old hobbies, new interests, more exercise, a healthier diet, gain confidence in myself, gain some volunteer work and before going to university I am doing everything I can to strengthen my weaknesses and widen my activities.
I look forward to taking up Yoga again, start exercising again, start writing poetry again, to start jogging maybe, to start a new wardrobe (express myself better), to gain friends via volunteering, to eat more enjoyable, healthier foods and loose weight and gain confidence of my body, start my photography again, maybe start writing songs again, start reading, there is so much to do and I hope I can gain financial help along the way to make it possible and to gain new found confidence and interests along the way.
This year is the first year that I feel I am making progress to make myself a better future and I have control of my condition and my life, I can’t wait for all the improvements and memories to come and I couldn’t of done it without my family, fiancee, or my negative experiences, I do now believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a plan set out for me, I just need to find it.