Today I have started mentally preparing myself for university of which I will be going to the University of Liverpool for the second time to start my Biological sciences course.
I have so much anticipation, nervousness, dread and doubt about going back to university yet I am equally excited, determined and looking forward to it.
Last time I went to university I did next to no research on my course and my course subjects so as well as being overwhelmed by living in a different location with different people, from everyone I knew and being in a new place of study I was mentally unprepared for the amount of work that was going to be piled upon me and in such a short amount of time.
Last time I was living on my own in student halls, I wasn’t getting any sleep, I was taking anti-depressants (which were increased, which of course meant that my symptoms increased-Didn’t help), I had no support, no family members around me, all my privledges were took away from me, I found it difficult to fit in with the rest of the students on my floor(mainly because I didn’t want to get drunk until I threw up every night instead of getting to know people), I was stuck in a pokey room with no TV and no internet for 3 weeks until I got my laptop and equipment from the DSA. I rushed into university thinking that I needed to live on my own to become more independent, less reliant on other people, stronger and I virtually ignored my condition which made it so much worse which inevitably coursed me to become very ill where I was at risk of harming myself and others. I wasn’t ready for it and I could not go through university on my own, I was once ashamed to say that I need to constant support of others in order to succeed in my studies, but after the realization of coming back home, to where the memories of my condition originate and after having more than enough time to re assess and think about the situation I gradually realised that other people with similar conditions to me need the same sort of support and also I realized how far I had come. I am proud to say that I am no longer ashamed to admit that yes with my condition I need constant support, motivation and help from my family, my partner, coping methods from my doctor and encouragement from my tutors, everybody is different and it doesn’t matter what support or help I need all that matters is the fact that I know I have the same opportunities as everybody else and that I am capable of anything I put my mind to.
I have gone through all my education so far with next to no understanding from anyone about my condition including myself, constant bullying, discrimination and difficulty within my life because what the past has caused me to contract but that indeed did not stop me, I was determined to prove everyone that I am as good as everyone else; in highschool I was predicted with D’s in all my GSCE’S, I left with A,B,A,C,C,B,D.
In college I studied Health and social AS level and even though I was severly bullied to the point that I had to leave the course I still achieved a DD and passed it. My last course was BTEC Business studies, I was constantly bullied for being so involved in my work and for having to go to counselling for my condition and it soon spread to which a certain individual took advantage and got me into a state why he made me cry infront of class and constantly bullied me throughout the course, the teachers didn’t expect much from me and yet again I proved them all wrong I got the highest grades in my class with D*D*D*
So this just proves that I CAN do it, it is just that when I went to university it was such a shock, it is so different, its such a different environment to college, new people, a variety of people and I don’t handle new situations as it is… it was to much for me, I rushed into it without giving myself the break i needed.
After suspending my studies for a year I have eventually realised that I needed this break, not only to give myself some rest but to gain a deeper understanding of my condition, of how it affects my life, what my capabilities are, how it limits my daily activities, how it affects my judgement and behaviours, how it affects my emotions and my capabilities in everything I do.
I have learnt that my condition does not determine who I am, but who I yet to be, it does not and will never stop me from getting what I want in life, but it does determine my health and my rational behaviour, i can live with my condition, learn to control it and still act and have the same opportunities as everyone else, it will not hold me back or be a burden to me no more, I have mental illnesses, so do 8 out of 10 people within the UK, it is common and it is not my fault that I have it, I have to live with what was given me and get on with life.
Its of course not to say that I am not still nervous about going to university and still as scared as I was when I went to university last year but hopefully with a better understanding of my condition, mentally preparing myself for the work to come and my subjects via books and my now fiancee being with me in Liverpool to support me I will do a lot better.
I must have faith that it will be much better this time, I will have the same determination to see it through and this second chance will be what I needed to start again and make a new and succeed!